How much I don't know

In an effort to open up to people, explain what is going on inside my head instead of just listing the events happening in my life, I had written this big long essay about the struggle I was having over entertainment choices (ie music and movies that may not be edifying) and was going to post in on this blog. It started out pretty honest, but about half way through I really started liking what I wrote and thought I sounded pretty spiritual and all that. My intent pretty much changed from telling you all how I feel and what I’m struggling with to telling you all how smart and spiritual I am. I have a tendency to do that, so if I do the same here, I apologize in advance.

I have been amazed lately at how little I understand, especially about God. I have a very overactive conscious, and tend to act out of guilt and try to earn God’s love. For example, last night I was feeling especially guilty about all the music I had on my computer that I "stole." Most of it I had downloaded during the days of Napster or had copied from the CD collections of friends and family. I started thinking about how it was really stealing and how I need to be faithful in the small things as well as the big things. I literally stayed up for hours, laying in my bed pondering over whether I should erase all this music in an effort to “cleanse” myself. I fell asleep with a knot in my stomach. When I woke up this morning (around 5 am), I had some lingering pangs of guilt, so I tried to get over that by reading the book of Matthew in the Bible. That didn’t help much, so after about 10 minutes of not really reading, I just laid in my bed and felt guilty. Finally I got up and got my computer, the whole time saying to myself, “Am I really going to do this?, this is ridiculous.” I took my laptop into my bed and have just spent the last 2 hours erasing every piece of music off my computer and iPod that I did not buy or was not given to me (I justify having copied music that was given to me because it was a gift, and how can I throw away something someone has given to me?). The whole time I was doing this I was praying that it would be out of obedience to God and not out of guilt. But it was completely out of guilt.

When I finished, I expected this wave of relief to come over me, that I would reach a higher plain and understand God at a whole new level. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I still felt/feel guilty. Now I feel guilty about having music that other people copied and gave to me. How ridiculous is this.

I know in my head that God loves me no matter what. His love for me will never change because of anything I do, good or bad. But in my heart I think that is a load of crap. I think that if I don’t erase all my music, God is going to hide His face from me and withhold His love from me. So I feign obedience to “get a cookie.”

If someone could explain grace to me, I would really appreciate it, because there is something that I am missing.

Sincerely,

Your very spiritual, very righteous, and oh-so ever foolish missionary