I love my mama. I hope she doesn't mind my posting this email from her here. She's da' bomb.
>>>>>from my mom, sent 6/17/05<<<<<
I think grace is easier to understand once you become a parent. You know in Romans 8:38-39 where it says that nothing can separate us from the love of God? Nothing my children can do will ever make me stop loving them. There is this strange thing that happens - even before birth- where you instantly love this child inside you. And once it is born, you fall deeply, completely in love with that child. It is truly a gift that God gives to parents and children. In all my years of working OB, it is the most wonderful phenomena to witness.
Now this child will love you one minute, and then say they hate you the next. They will be overtly disobedient, they will say things you wouldn't think possible, and they will even sometimes deliberately hurt you. You will get angry at them and you will be disappointed in them, but you never never stop loving them. They could not ever do something so bad that you quit loving them. There is this unbreakable bond called love that is so strong that nothing...I mean nothing... will ever even dent that bond. In fact they can be the best child in the world and you can't love them more for that either. The love is there in goodness and "badness" and it never changes. I think that is why Jesus' message of love is so powerful and prominent in his ministry. You can do things out of obedience and morality and even Christian ethics, but it will never be as strongly motivating as sincere love. Love really does conquer all. I think you could toss most everything in the Bible out if you only remember one thing "the greatest of these is love". Now if I love my children this much, how much more must God love them and me?? Many nights I sat by the window waiting for you and/or Jill to come home repeating this mantra "God loves them even more that I do. God loves them even more than I do." I can't imagine anyone loving you more than me - so God's love must be unfathomable. God's love is grace - it is a HUGE step above our love.
Even after that explanation there is still this lingering doubt...we all have it. But that is where faith sets in. You decide to believe what you can't understand. It is a difficult concept, but amazingly freeing when you do it.
I know this is still lacking in clarity. I love you for even asking.....
Mom
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
How much I don't know
In an effort to open up to people, explain what is going on inside my head instead of just listing the events happening in my life, I had written this big long essay about the struggle I was having over entertainment choices (ie music and movies that may not be edifying) and was going to post in on this blog. It started out pretty honest, but about half way through I really started liking what I wrote and thought I sounded pretty spiritual and all that. My intent pretty much changed from telling you all how I feel and what I’m struggling with to telling you all how smart and spiritual I am. I have a tendency to do that, so if I do the same here, I apologize in advance.
I have been amazed lately at how little I understand, especially about God. I have a very overactive conscious, and tend to act out of guilt and try to earn God’s love. For example, last night I was feeling especially guilty about all the music I had on my computer that I "stole." Most of it I had downloaded during the days of Napster or had copied from the CD collections of friends and family. I started thinking about how it was really stealing and how I need to be faithful in the small things as well as the big things. I literally stayed up for hours, laying in my bed pondering over whether I should erase all this music in an effort to “cleanse” myself. I fell asleep with a knot in my stomach. When I woke up this morning (around 5 am), I had some lingering pangs of guilt, so I tried to get over that by reading the book of Matthew in the Bible. That didn’t help much, so after about 10 minutes of not really reading, I just laid in my bed and felt guilty. Finally I got up and got my computer, the whole time saying to myself, “Am I really going to do this?, this is ridiculous.” I took my laptop into my bed and have just spent the last 2 hours erasing every piece of music off my computer and iPod that I did not buy or was not given to me (I justify having copied music that was given to me because it was a gift, and how can I throw away something someone has given to me?). The whole time I was doing this I was praying that it would be out of obedience to God and not out of guilt. But it was completely out of guilt.
When I finished, I expected this wave of relief to come over me, that I would reach a higher plain and understand God at a whole new level. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I still felt/feel guilty. Now I feel guilty about having music that other people copied and gave to me. How ridiculous is this.
I know in my head that God loves me no matter what. His love for me will never change because of anything I do, good or bad. But in my heart I think that is a load of crap. I think that if I don’t erase all my music, God is going to hide His face from me and withhold His love from me. So I feign obedience to “get a cookie.”
If someone could explain grace to me, I would really appreciate it, because there is something that I am missing.
Sincerely,
Your very spiritual, very righteous, and oh-so ever foolish missionary
I have been amazed lately at how little I understand, especially about God. I have a very overactive conscious, and tend to act out of guilt and try to earn God’s love. For example, last night I was feeling especially guilty about all the music I had on my computer that I "stole." Most of it I had downloaded during the days of Napster or had copied from the CD collections of friends and family. I started thinking about how it was really stealing and how I need to be faithful in the small things as well as the big things. I literally stayed up for hours, laying in my bed pondering over whether I should erase all this music in an effort to “cleanse” myself. I fell asleep with a knot in my stomach. When I woke up this morning (around 5 am), I had some lingering pangs of guilt, so I tried to get over that by reading the book of Matthew in the Bible. That didn’t help much, so after about 10 minutes of not really reading, I just laid in my bed and felt guilty. Finally I got up and got my computer, the whole time saying to myself, “Am I really going to do this?, this is ridiculous.” I took my laptop into my bed and have just spent the last 2 hours erasing every piece of music off my computer and iPod that I did not buy or was not given to me (I justify having copied music that was given to me because it was a gift, and how can I throw away something someone has given to me?). The whole time I was doing this I was praying that it would be out of obedience to God and not out of guilt. But it was completely out of guilt.
When I finished, I expected this wave of relief to come over me, that I would reach a higher plain and understand God at a whole new level. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I still felt/feel guilty. Now I feel guilty about having music that other people copied and gave to me. How ridiculous is this.
I know in my head that God loves me no matter what. His love for me will never change because of anything I do, good or bad. But in my heart I think that is a load of crap. I think that if I don’t erase all my music, God is going to hide His face from me and withhold His love from me. So I feign obedience to “get a cookie.”
If someone could explain grace to me, I would really appreciate it, because there is something that I am missing.
Sincerely,
Your very spiritual, very righteous, and oh-so ever foolish missionary
Monday, June 06, 2005
The Blue Crew
After returning from surveying in Cabaret, a team from Virginia came in for a 10 day stay. The three teenagers are Jeff’s children and Bill is a chemical engineering grad student at UVA.
The team before they left the states. From left to right, Bill, Jeff, Deborah, Marie, and
These guys worked their butts off and built 12 school benches! The typical Haitian bench is built out of a half a piece of wood and two nails and when ten kids cram on one bench it is nothing more than a safety hazard. So nice sturdy school benches like these last a long time and really help the kids concentrate and learn more in school. It is our prayer that every child that sits in one of these benches would come to know Christ as their Saviour.
Building the benches
Painting the benches
The finished product hot off the factory floor and ready for delivery
One day, we took a break from building benches to help pour a concrete floor at the church in La Brusse.
The old church, now used as a school building
The new church
The concrete is mixed by hand outside the building.
Then it is passed along in buckets to be placed in the floor. As a side note, check out my stylish red hat.
Nearly Completed
The partially completed floor and two delivered benches on Sunday at La Brusse.
Our reward for a hard weeks work, a day at the beach!!
The great picture of the town near where we go to the beach, Be De Mustique, which is where Columbus landed in 1492.
Here’s a couple pictures of yours truly in action:
"come on, Ben, you can make it" I think I can, I think I can
David and I gearing up to go to church at Moulin. Some may consider it courage while others utter stupidity, but David rode with me on the hog to go visit a small church on sunday while the rest of his family went safely in the truck to church at Poste Metier.
The glasses are authentic Elvis sunglasses sent from Graceland, compliments of Julie and Jamie. Yes, I wear them all the time.
The team before they left the states. From left to right, Bill, Jeff, Deborah, Marie, and
These guys worked their butts off and built 12 school benches! The typical Haitian bench is built out of a half a piece of wood and two nails and when ten kids cram on one bench it is nothing more than a safety hazard. So nice sturdy school benches like these last a long time and really help the kids concentrate and learn more in school. It is our prayer that every child that sits in one of these benches would come to know Christ as their Saviour.
Building the benches
Painting the benches
The finished product hot off the factory floor and ready for delivery
One day, we took a break from building benches to help pour a concrete floor at the church in La Brusse.
The old church, now used as a school building
The new church
The concrete is mixed by hand outside the building.
Then it is passed along in buckets to be placed in the floor. As a side note, check out my stylish red hat.
Nearly Completed
The partially completed floor and two delivered benches on Sunday at La Brusse.
Our reward for a hard weeks work, a day at the beach!!
The great picture of the town near where we go to the beach, Be De Mustique, which is where Columbus landed in 1492.
Here’s a couple pictures of yours truly in action:
"come on, Ben, you can make it" I think I can, I think I can
David and I gearing up to go to church at Moulin. Some may consider it courage while others utter stupidity, but David rode with me on the hog to go visit a small church on sunday while the rest of his family went safely in the truck to church at Poste Metier.
The glasses are authentic Elvis sunglasses sent from Graceland, compliments of Julie and Jamie. Yes, I wear them all the time.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Haitian Livin'
The last week in May I went to live with Abdias (one of the guys that works with us) and his family in Cabaret for three days while I surveyed a water system. Talk about a blessing. I hadn’t been able to see what the day to day life of a Haitian family is like, especially since everyone always seems to act a little different when the “blan” or white guy is around. So on Tuesday night, I packed up my survey equipment, grabbed three days worth of clothes and a couple gallons of drinking water and Bruce dropped me off in Cabaret.
Abdias lives with his wife (Madam Abdias), his son (Abdial) in a nice concrete block house with a tin roof. Also, a daughter of a friend (Jessi) is staying with them while she attends high school in Cabaret; this is very common since there are not very many high schools and they are often far from where families live. They graciously moved everyone into their big bedroom so that I could have their second bedroom (Jessi’s room I think) all to myself.
First thing that struck me was how much work Haitian do just to live everyday. The women (assisted by Madam Abdias’ mom for the first day), cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, etc. every minute of the day! I am not exaggerating. Everyday food has to be bought (because there is no refrigeration available), prepared from scratch, and cooked over charcoal stove. This is hard work and takes more than three hours to prepare the big meal for each day. Can you imagine kneeling over a charcoal stove for 3 hours when the temp is over 95˚ in the shade. Then there are dishes to be done and clothes to be washed, and since most Haitians only have a couple sets of clothes, wash has to be done constantly. The Abdias family is better off than most so they are among the blessed few that have a private water connection in their yard. Otherwise they would have to walk a couple miles to get all the water they would need for cooking, cleaning, and bathing.
The food I ate there was amazing. We had viyon fri (fried steak), pòt tomat (a oily tomato sauce), sauce pwa nwa (black bean sauce), banans (plantains), spaghetti (which was served for breakfast), sitwon (limeade), and a great bonbon dessert every night. I went to bed with a full stomach every night.
After the sun went down, we moved out onto the front porch and visited with friends as they came by to chat. In the cool of the evening is the time when Haitians take some time to relax, socialize, and laugh a lot. My creole has gotten better, so I was able to participate in some of the conversations, but mostly I just sat back and took it all in. Abdias has a tv and vcr (which is powered by a battery and solar panel with enough electricity for ~3 hours), so a couple of the nights, we watched a Haitian movie. The movie was in French, but it had English subtitles fortunately, or actually unfortunately. While I’m no film critic, I would give the Haitian movies a definite two thumbs down. I would liken them a soap opera made with a home video camera with the actors reading off of cue cards (you could see their eyes moving back and forth). Both nights, I turned in after about an hour of the movie to get a good night’s sleep.
The survey work that we did during the day was difficult but went very well. While walking 6 miles in the heat of the day with loads of equipment is very tiring, it is an amazing way to see this beautiful country. It’s also great exercise! I’ve never though too much of surveying, but recently God has given me a better attitude about it. I’ve been enjoying it more, which is good because I have a lot of surveying left to do in the couple months I have left.
Unfortunately I forgot my camara, so I have no pictures of the Abdias family, the house I stayed in, or the beautiful sunsets. Fortunately I will be going back to stay with them for another three days to complete the work we started. Next time I will be sure to bring my camara!
Abdias lives with his wife (Madam Abdias), his son (Abdial) in a nice concrete block house with a tin roof. Also, a daughter of a friend (Jessi) is staying with them while she attends high school in Cabaret; this is very common since there are not very many high schools and they are often far from where families live. They graciously moved everyone into their big bedroom so that I could have their second bedroom (Jessi’s room I think) all to myself.
First thing that struck me was how much work Haitian do just to live everyday. The women (assisted by Madam Abdias’ mom for the first day), cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, etc. every minute of the day! I am not exaggerating. Everyday food has to be bought (because there is no refrigeration available), prepared from scratch, and cooked over charcoal stove. This is hard work and takes more than three hours to prepare the big meal for each day. Can you imagine kneeling over a charcoal stove for 3 hours when the temp is over 95˚ in the shade. Then there are dishes to be done and clothes to be washed, and since most Haitians only have a couple sets of clothes, wash has to be done constantly. The Abdias family is better off than most so they are among the blessed few that have a private water connection in their yard. Otherwise they would have to walk a couple miles to get all the water they would need for cooking, cleaning, and bathing.
The food I ate there was amazing. We had viyon fri (fried steak), pòt tomat (a oily tomato sauce), sauce pwa nwa (black bean sauce), banans (plantains), spaghetti (which was served for breakfast), sitwon (limeade), and a great bonbon dessert every night. I went to bed with a full stomach every night.
After the sun went down, we moved out onto the front porch and visited with friends as they came by to chat. In the cool of the evening is the time when Haitians take some time to relax, socialize, and laugh a lot. My creole has gotten better, so I was able to participate in some of the conversations, but mostly I just sat back and took it all in. Abdias has a tv and vcr (which is powered by a battery and solar panel with enough electricity for ~3 hours), so a couple of the nights, we watched a Haitian movie. The movie was in French, but it had English subtitles fortunately, or actually unfortunately. While I’m no film critic, I would give the Haitian movies a definite two thumbs down. I would liken them a soap opera made with a home video camera with the actors reading off of cue cards (you could see their eyes moving back and forth). Both nights, I turned in after about an hour of the movie to get a good night’s sleep.
The survey work that we did during the day was difficult but went very well. While walking 6 miles in the heat of the day with loads of equipment is very tiring, it is an amazing way to see this beautiful country. It’s also great exercise! I’ve never though too much of surveying, but recently God has given me a better attitude about it. I’ve been enjoying it more, which is good because I have a lot of surveying left to do in the couple months I have left.
Unfortunately I forgot my camara, so I have no pictures of the Abdias family, the house I stayed in, or the beautiful sunsets. Fortunately I will be going back to stay with them for another three days to complete the work we started. Next time I will be sure to bring my camara!
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